it seems like i haven't lived a life that oscar wilde would really approve of. i suppose i have done a couple of things that lord henry would commend, but other than that it just seems like my life has been laid down upon back roads and detours. i never face anything straight forward. i never do anything brave. i want to do them, but i lack the brevity that is required for such lives. also i have these people called parents that keep me from doing anything they deem irresponsible. however i have somehow gotten away with being quite irresponsible. i think that the life i have made for myself (well until a couple of years into college it can be called the life that my parents have made for me) is quite irresponsible in that i have never done anything adventurous, or independent, or worth recognition.
going on detours makes one miss the big attractions in one's life. sure, you get to see some interesting things, or just the ugly back side of things. but this is just me wishing i was in the front and not the back. i will never fit in. i act weird and i look weird. i will never have the perfect group of friends. i have a few good friends from different times in my life. i'm sure those who i speak of will still be my friends 10 years from now, but there will never be a time when all of us will gather and we can reminisce on the good 'ol days.
i am a creature that craves support, togetherness, sponteneity, love, happiness...
it's gets exhausting to compartmentalize and lock away and be deprived of parts or all of these elements for so long.
sigh. that's all i feel like talking about now. i'm just tired. tired of trying to be something. i wish i already knew what i'm supposed to be. i wish i could find someone who appreciates that which i am supposed to be. and i wish it were soon.