doesn't know what life is about (kimgogh) wrote,
doesn't know what life is about

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the way my brain works

i realize i do a lot of thinking when i'm driving...

i had a torturous lunch today with my mom... it started off with her cell phone being dead and me trying to tell her that newks was really crowded. we decided to go to eidelweiss when she got to newks... then she was mad about all of the traffic lights and she kinda gets in people's way everywhere we go. i'm always concious about getting out of others' way when i'm in public places... but i've noticed that a lot of people get in my way in japan... so maybe it's a culture thing... like... when you're at a grocery store... women just walk right in front of where you're looking without any notice... anyway... she kept trying to ask me about my grades and what i was going to do next year... then she suggested (again) that i take the gre and maybe the gmat... which would be dumb becuase i don't even want to go to grad school... and i haven't taken any business classes! i would die taking the gmat! then she asked if biochemistry was really that bad... and i told her that i don't want to spend the rest of my life in a lab... and she just kept repeating the same qestions and phrases over and over again... so i stared out the window half ignoring her once she got going...

i honestly don't know what i'm going to do next year. i know what it would be nice to do... but i don't know how i'm going to get there...

also... i've been thinking about what kind of person i am. i know i'm a people pleaser... but i've kinda given up trying to please my parents. now it's more like i have to try to not let them down so much... i like to make my closest friends happy by doing anything for them. that might make me kinda a pushover... then again, i can only do as much as i can until my parents get mad at me... whether it's going to hang out with them and i have to spend money... well it all involves money when it comes to my parents... i waste a lot of theirs and mine. all of my college years was a waste of theirs. my credit card debt was a waste of theirs and mine. bambam dying and getting mango was probably my fault... i know my dad is always mad because i use that car... i didn't do anything to break bambam... actually my dad physically broke bambam's radiator when it had broken down on me... the serpentine belt had broken at that time... and it was relatively new... but anyway! i'm getting off track!

i'm a people pleaser... but only to close friends. i am quite inconsiderate when it comes to others... i can be fake nice to people i don't even like... and i just realized that today is one "friend"'s birthday and i didn't get her a gift... we used to be closer though.. and we used to give gifts... but i just don't even care this year... is that bad? i always forget to tell people happy birthday... even when i notice that they have one... i put it off! what is wrong with me! unless it's to their face, then when i see them i say something... but on facebook... i let it slide a lot. maybe i'm not a very good people person... i tend to act quite stuck up in classes, esp when i don't know anyone...

i also feel sad when i'm left out or forgotten, but i don't let anyone know. i always act happy and fine in front of my friends. i know that some actually do worry about me and i don't want them to have to do that. hopefully when you see me in person i act normal and cheerful and you'll forget about all my crazy mental insecurities that i write in here!!!

*i just saw some dorky chem kids flirting out in the hallway and it made me sick*

i say mean things like this all the time and really have no right to!!! hahahaha!

also... i have a problem calling new close friends "best friends" hahahahaha! silly right! it's not that i'm afraid of putting labels on relationships or whatever... it's me being stupid and afraid that the friend doesn't feel that close to me! hahahahaha! i can openly, comfortably call 2 people my best friends... hahahaha! 

aaaand... i know friends say this like all the time... i can't really tell anyone that i love them without feeling awkward... hahahahahaha! not even the friends that i can openly say are my bestfriends!!!! hahahahahaha!!! i say it to my parents... because it's habit... i've said it since i could talk probably... but anyone else... well... i told princess that i loved her... hahahaha! i can say i loooove shoes! hahahahaha! anyway...

i've got to get to work...

sorry to everyone that actually read this! it was probably boring or disturbing or both!

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